Saturday, June 12, 2010

So You Think You Can Ush?

 I found this post at Jon Acuff's blog Stuff Christians Like.
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(Curtis Honeycutt is ridiculous. Every now and then he emails me the funniest things. I love the countless guest posts he has done on SCL and hope you dig this one too.)

So You Think You Can Ush?

Are you qualified to be an usher? No, not the Usher. Those qualifications include: Is your outfit ridiculous? Are you in the club lookin’ so conspicuous? Do you refer to Hotlanta as “A-Town”? If so, you might be qualified to be Usher. If you’re wondering more about becoming an usher at church, read on.


This is a serious job in the Sunday morning volunteer lineup, and for years, I’ve lost more than a few hours of sleep pondering if push came to shove, would I have the necessary chops to get my ush on? Well, to put my mind at ease, and maybe yours too, I’ve written a guide called “So You Think You Can Ush?”

If you can simultaneously shake hands, hand out bulletins, and give Jolly Ranchers to kids (+2 points)
If you banter so well your friends call you “Banter Claus” (+5 points)
If you shake hands so strongly, guys in the WWE created a submission hold based on it called “The Usher Crusher” (-2 points)
If you have ever dislodged an offering train wreck (+3 points)
If you like to throw the offering plate like a Frisbee (-3 points)
If you have your own custom-molded earpiece for your walkie-talkie (+4 points)
If you’ve never ever looked into the offering plate to see how much your friend gives, for fear you might turn into a skeleton like in Indiana Jones with the Ark of the Covenant (+10 points)
If you can signal to the pastor he’s out of time and he wraps it up (+5 points)
If you can signal to the pastor he’s out of time and he gets his second wind (-5 points)
If you are currently keeping your points tally on last weekend’s bulletin (+3 points)
If you can simultaneously make latecomers feel guilty and welcome with one look (I’ve heard Blue Steel does the trick) (+11 points)
If you can get people to sit on the front row (I’ve heard this is just a legend, but my cousin’s good friend’s younger sister saw it happen once) (+10finity points)
If you can balance 5 trays of grape juice cups without spilling (+5 points and +1 for each extra)
If, in an effort to “go green”, you decide to re-use the tiny grape juice cups next week (-5 points)
If you stay in on Saturday nights to memorize Sunday’s bulletin (+8 points)
If you stay in on Saturday nights to draw pictures in Sunday’s bulletin (-8 points)
If you think sitting down is for wimps (+4 points)
If you fantasize about ushing on a Segway (-4 points)
If you fantasize about ushing on a horse and giving people pony rides to their seats (+16 points…I’d love to experience this firsthand…if your church does this, let me know and I’ll come)
If you make a sign that says “You must be this tall to experience big church this week” in an effort to limit the number of crying baby disruptions (-3 points, but your head’s in the right spot)

Okay, you’ve tallied your score, so let’s see how you did:

0-10 points: You probably don’t like people. You would make a disastrously bad usher even at an online church.
11-20 points: If it came down to it, you could fill in without anyone noticing, but you may want to have some hand warmers on standby.
21-30 points: The head usher should watch his back, because you’re gunning for the #1 spot. You can almost see your name embossed on a magnetic nametag with the words “LEAD WELCOMER” under it.
31+ points: You ushering would be like if Chuck Norris played soccer…totally overqualified. I mean, that guy can KICK.

What did I leave out? What are some more usher qualifications?
(For more great stuff from Curtis, check out his blog, Get Compelled)
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